sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
