I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
