Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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