i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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