I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
