fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
