Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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