24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
