She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
