a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
sarcasm needs its own font
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
