Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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