Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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