I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Text me some of your sweat
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
