nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
