I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
