my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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