I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
