I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
