His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
