I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She's the barista slut.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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