i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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