If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
