there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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