I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
