weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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