If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
