the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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