I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
