my mouth tastes like poor choices
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
