So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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