someone get that fucking seahorse.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
