Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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