i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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