new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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