____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
