Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
