they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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