3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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