Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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