That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
