**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
