i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
