I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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