i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
