Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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