Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
