i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
