I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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