Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
