I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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