Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
