you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize