Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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