i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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