So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
