how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
