All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
