I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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