I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
