So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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