Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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