We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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