Michael Bay diarrhea
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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