i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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